Vampire Knight Abridged
by Pensulliwen
Summary: I started reading this series and snarked like I have never snarked before. So I have decided to summarize it here in the style of CAPSLOCK DGM, except without the capslock. No set update schedule beyond "when I feel like it or am encouraged to do so."


There's a lot one can say about Vampire Knight. Simply put, it's an incredibly popular shojo manga riding the vampire craze. There's already over 50 chapters, and that's a lot of reading, so here I have written a concise summary of each chapter for those of you who want to know what it's all about without actually having to _read_ it. Warning: there is a lot of snark ahead. I started reading this at my friend's house and was literally incapable of not poking fun at it. She eventually made me leave the room.

**Vampire Knight Abridged**

_Chapter 1_

Chibi!yuki: Snow is white. But this snow is red. Why is that? Stare at my freakishly deformed chibi face as I ponder this.

Berserk Vampire: RAR hello there little girl, I eat you now with vaguely pedophilic undertones.

Chibi!Yuki: Oshit! *attempts to scare him off with eyes*

Berserk Vampire: … That is truly unsettling, but not a good enough defense mechanism. OM NOM NOM.

Kaname: *appears* FATALITY.

Caption: Vampires. Blood sucking monsters that look like humans. They exist. … Just in case you didn't pick up on what just happened.

Chibi!Yuki: Hey where did you come from, the field was empty a second ago—

Kaname: *turns to face her*

Chibi!Yuki: … Obaby.

Kaname: *licks self*

Chibi!Yuki: I think I just went through puberty nine times.

Kaname: Yes, I have that effect on people. Are you alright?

Chibi!Yuki: No. I need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Kaname: Now now, there's been enough rampant pedophilia for one flashback *pats*

~skip to present day Cross High School~

A crowd of girls is held back from ravaging the male students by Yuki and a gigantic gate. Is this seriously what school is like in Japan? In every shojo manga I've seen (not many, admittedly) the super attractive guys seem to have actual fanclubs. Is this actually a thing? Creepy.

Yuki: Everyone stay back!

Everyone: Screw you *rushes her*

Yuki: Wahhhh D: Respect my authority!

Everyone: Lol no.

~The gate opens and cue Cullen!~

Pretty People: *sache out*

Girls: *orgasm*

Yuki: Come on you guys just- *IS RUN OVER*

GIRLS: PRETTY BOYS PRETTY BOYS OMG OMG OMG MANSLAUGHTER IS NOTHING IN THE FACE OF PRETTY BOYS.

Yuki: Oy, you girls are insa-

Kaname: Are you alright?

Yuki: *orgasms*

Kaname: Your ovaries seem to be in fine working order.

Yuki: Y-yes, they are.

Kaname: No need to blush, it's not like I'm willfully trying to seduce you or anything. *pats head*

Zero: *SUDDEN ENTRANCE* Asserting male dominance!

Kaname and Zero: *hiss at each other*

Zero: Bitch you'd best step off. This is my doormat, go find your own.

Yuki: Omg stop embarrassing me!

Zero: STFU.

Yuki: Kay, sry.

Zero: Now go away pretty-boy.

Kaname: I am oh so intimidated by your neck tattoo, I leave.

Yuki: Call me!

Zero: So it's none of my business what you do with Kaname, but I am going to ignore saying that and interfere in every way I can think of.

Yuki: W/e, not like it's my life or anything. Hold up I need to internal monologue for a second. So the beautiful, god-like, smart, glorious, orgasmic students that only attend night classes and aren't allowed to interact with the day students and seem to quite obviously have fangs in some shots are in fact- dun dun DUN- vampires! And... somehow no one has figured this out. Apparently none of the teenage girls here read _Twilight_, which is a pretty big suspension of disbelief IMO.

Zero: Time for me to highlight your uselessness at your job. Ahem, ALL CUNTMUFFINS RETURN TO YOUR DAMN DORM ROOMS!

Girls: EEeeeeee scary man! *run*

Yuki: More talking to myself: We are in fact the school guardians!

Zero: Yeah, and you suck at it.

Yuki: Of course I do, I'm a woman!

Zero: They're women too and you are supposedly in better shape, you have no excuse for not being able to control them.

Yuki: But I am such a fragile flowerrrr.

Zero: Then why are you a guardian?

Yuki: Because you're always late and never do any of the work!

Zero: And whose fault is that?

Yuki: Wha-

Zero: Yours. Because you're a woman.

Yuki: OMG I do not even want to talk to you right now, I'm just going to shove some more exposition at the readers and ignore you. So vampires exist and have always been fighting with humans throughout history, but not many people remember it anymore. And these are legit vampires, like actual bitey ones, so it is at least as scary as it is sexy. Well okay maybe a little more sexy than scary, but still, it's bad. The evil ones tend to be uglier too, so that adds to the horror. Anywho, our job is to protect the secret of the night class and not let them oh so erotically eat anyone.

Zero: During your exposition we walked to the Headmaster's room. Now I'm going to yell at him because I'm too beautifully emo to be expelled. What the hell sir? We can't deal with this on our own, I'm late all the time and she's beyond useless!

Yuki: Hey!

Headmaster: A valid point. However, I can't trust anyone else with this secret and the job is so sucky that no one else would want to do it anyway. So it's up to you two!

Zero: *breaks table in half*

Headmaster: This is acceptable behavior.

Zero: Yuki, say something!

Yuki: Ahhhhh conflict ;A; no.

Headmaster: That's my spineless Yuki! Someday we will achieve a world where vampires and humans can coexist peacefully!

Zero: *leaves*

Headmaster: Of course there are evil ones too-

Yuki: NO THEY ARE LOVELY AND WONDERFUL. *jumps out window like a spaz* And now for more internal monologuing about my past while unsettling the reader with my freakish eyes. Because one vampire once saved me (from another vampire), I believe that vampires and humans can live together as one!

~cut to class~

We see Yuki and Zero getting detention for sleeping in class, because the Headmaster is apparently too much of a dick to make up some excuse to tell their teachers about why they're always so tired.

And now it's night time.

Snootyvamp von Monocle: We are the pride of the entire vampire race for being the first to find a group of humans to live amongst who are too stupid to realize that we are very clearly vampires, or shockingly gorgeous albinos with fangs.

Nameless other vampires: We are pretty damn awesome.

Kaname: Yes.

~outside~

Yuki: *stalks Kaname like burning*

Zero: I can see you checking him out.

Yuki: WAS NOT. Anyway they all seem to be behaving.

Zero: Like I'd trust them, I can't believe Headmaster wants to cooperate with them, they only look like humans to hunt us down better, blah blah have I mentioned how much I hate vampires?

Yuki: I can see why Headmaster put you in this position. Oh look, an injured person, they might actually listen to me! *swings down on tree* YOU THERE. GET BACK TO YOUR DORM.

Girl: We were just stalking the night class and taking pictures of them from the bushes, gawd.

Yuki: Gasp, she's bleeding! GTFO right now! WHO GOES THERE? *whips out collapsible staff… thing*

Vampire: *catches* wow, worst weapon ever.

Yuki: *glare*

Vampire: *gives bedroom eyes*

Yuki: *conflicted*

Vampire: Mmmm, blood smells nice. Not that I'm obviously a vampire or anything.

Girls: HE SAID WE SMELL NICE! (what was that second part- I'm sure it's nothing).

Vampire: Actually I was talking about you.

Yuki: Ffff, maybe swinging down on the tree was a terrible idea. Damn you hindsight!

Vampire: *molests hand*

Yuki: Too… strong… *swoons*

Vampire: *bites* Good thing you are a terrible guardian.

Girls: Wait a second… I think _he might be a vampire._

Yuki: Stopit!

Vampire: *goes for the neck*

Yuki: I mean it, stop or I- I will have some very stern words for you!

Zero: ~to the rescue~ Drinking blood on school grounds is prohibited! Thankfully carrying firearms is not *ATTEMPTS TO SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD*

Yuki: Suddenly I am capable of escaping and blocking your arm before you can pull the trigger!

Kaname: ~also here now~ Well I certainly feel safer knowing that the vampire hater has a special vampire killing gun. Good work team.

Yuki: *swoons* Kaname saved me…

Zero: *angry muttering*

~cut to Yuki after a shower~

Zero: *BARGES IN*

Yuki: WTF?

Zero: *maybe if I strip she will pay attention to me*

Yuki: GTFO.

Zero: *sullenly creeps on from doorway*

~this pointless scene that was clearly there just for fanservice ends. Elsewhere:~

Vampire: Man she was yummy.

Kaname: *also shirtless, for some reason**SLAPS A BITCH*

_END._


End file.
